The door swings open without a courtesy knock. It’s another thing Mom likes to do, whenever she wants to get a rise out of me, but I stayed in character.
“You… vill pay… for thisss!” The Prince of Darkness is only moving his lips, you helpless mortal.
Mom ignored the act, and replied with one of her standard comebacks. “Ugh! Your room smell like a pig house, you know that? It’s not healthy in here.”
She marched across my room, timing her steps perfectly to throw the curtains open with a well-practiced swoop. Then she stopped, pivoted, and looked straight down at me.
I raised my arms to shield myself with an imaginary cape, and loudly hissed at beams of sunlight that instantly illuminated millions of floating dust particles with an explosive, swirling glow.
Her knees were parked at each side of my head, and her silhouetted figure cast a long shadow that spilled over me.
I squirmed to seek cover. The world shook as she kicked the wooden bed frame beneath me, and I grunted in acknowledgement.
She bent over, with her hands on her hips. “Brad, you need to get up and see what we got you today.”
Her upside-down face made a sort of grotesque human caricature, with her chin suddenly looking like a fat, comically oversized round nose, and bottom teeth forming the illusion of a perfect, tiny, white row of top teeth. Thoroughly frustrated with my impromptu schtick, Mom grimaced with disapproval, which only made the upside-down face way, way, funnier.
I finally sat up, if only to prevent her from seeing my own facial contortions. Birthday or no birthday, I needed to get a grip, because Mom was about to go postal on my ass.
“Ohhh-kaaayyy… I’m ready. You see?”
“Go. You always make everybody waiting for you.”
She quickly navigated around the bed, kicking away whatever crossed her path. Then she stopped at the door, and watched for anything that could possibly signal the slightest shred of defiance, as she jabbed a finger towards the hallway.
“Now. Downstairs. The kitchen.”
I sighed one more time. Then I stood up, and sheepishly lumbered past her.
This is an excerpt from Brad Lee and The BIG 2K. Drop by next week for a new episode! Full-length audiobook + EPUB available soon.